Christy Carol
06-26-2007, 08:03 PM
To Whom it May Concern:
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be
my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork
rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
heard dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off".
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South--songs such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a
Reindeer."
Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be
my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork
rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
heard dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off".
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South--songs such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a
Reindeer."
Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209