The Swimming Suit

There are moments in every woman's life
When she faces the humiliating fact
That time is no longer on her side
As she performs the simple, yearly,
Humiliating, death-defying act of...

Buying a swimming suit.
I can't believe I'm here
Buying a swimming suit.
I can't believe I'm here
Buying a swimming suit.
I do this every year,
Putting myself through
Eight kinds of hell
Searching through spandex
And nylon fortrel for a...

Flattering swimming suit.
Oxymoron...
A flattering swimming suit.
I feel like a moron.
Take a deep breath...
A prozac...a pause...
And try to remember
The Swimming Suit Laws.

Rule number one...
No stripe or horizontal
Unless you weigh thirty-five pounds.
Rule number two...
Accentuate the good parts.
Make them look up...
Never look down.

Buying a swimming suit.
There are questions when
Buying a swimming suit.
Here's one suggestion.
When thinking of ways
To improve the bra size,
Remember that foam
Is the last thing that dries.

Rule number three...
Keep them distracted
With ruffles and sequins and belts.
Rule number four...
Don't squeeze the job.
If you pull it in here
It comes out somewhere else.

And the lady who helps you is seventy-five
With glasses and rolled-down hose.
She says, "Dahling, this one is so good for the thighs".
I look better naked than I do in those.

Still...I'm buying a swimming suit.
How I hate this!
I'm buying a swimming suit.
I can't...wait!
Here's a nice little speedo.
Maybe I'll take this one after all,
or maybe...
I'll just stay inside...
till fall!

Could I see something in a wet suit, please?

Amanda McBroom

[ElfSpirit]

LOL, oh this is too funny...and so true.

[RadioJonD]

http://www.grimmy.com/archives.php?archive=MGG

LOL!! Good one!!

Dieting is wishful shrinking. ~Author Unknown

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. ~Author Unknown

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. ~Totie Fields

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ~Erma Bombeck

It would be far easier to lose weight permanently if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator. ~Hugh Allen

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. ~Henny Youngman

Never eat more than you can lift. ~Miss Piggy

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." ~P.G. Wodehouse

[Twinkle]

Funny reading here. Thanks for the chuckle.
:60:

[ElfSpirit]

LOL...
My grandparents always used to say the following when looking at someone's backside:

"Looks like he/she's trying to fit a 10 pound ham in a 5 pound sack."


Another thing I thought was funny (and an accurate description, too) was when my brother was talking about girls with "muffin tops".

[number4son]

My friend Clem and I used to razz each other back in the navy. He used to make fun of my "chrome dome" and I would tell him I had seen less fat on cheap bacon.

[RadioJonD]

http://www.grimmy.com/images/MGG_Arc...08/MGG0803.gif

That actually looks like me on my big exercise ball!!